every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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