I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
