Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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