and next time when you feel me up, do it right
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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