Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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