There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
