so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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