does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
