at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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