i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
