My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
