Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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