my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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