He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
