im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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