I accidentally had phone sex last night
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
