theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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