I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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