Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize