Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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