Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
