I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
