The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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