It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
