Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Where is the hickey?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
