Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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