I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
