My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
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