you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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