I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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