we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
