Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize