u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
