last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
