i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
