I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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