she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
