I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
