for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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