You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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