I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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