I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
