Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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