I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
