The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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