I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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