Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Randomize
