you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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