mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Randomize
