I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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