I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
