My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
