My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She bit a glass in half.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
