Who wears a wallet chain?!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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