she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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