Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
