I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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