I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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