I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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