I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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